Asleep in my boat.

My, oh my, how life changes.

Sunday I was at Starbucks drinking coffee and spending some time in the Word. First off, the fact that I was spending time with God was pretty amazing considering where I have been lately in my spiritual walk.



You see, my whole world has felt like it was crumbling out from underneath me for about the last 2 months, and I was really REALLY mad at God about it. Yep, I said it. I'll give you a moment to gasp and get over the shock and horror of me confessing that I was mad at God. I don't just mean a little "why, God!?" I mean livid, cold-shoulder-like "I'm not talking to you ever again!" type anger. I was crushed, broken hearted, and falling apart at the seams and I felt like God was nowhere to be found. Didn't He see how hard it was? Didn't He see what I was going through? Most important, didn't He care? So, I did what I do best. I shut down and pulled away from what little of God I was still clinging to. I avoided church for a while, I stopped praying, I stopped reading my Bible. I stopped listening to worship music. I was losing my faith, and I felt totally powerless to stop it.

This brings us back to the beginning of this post. Starbucks & my Bible. I have made a major effort in the last couple weeks to be in church on Sunday even if I didn't feel like it. So, I went to Starbucks to read my Bible, even if I didn't feel like it. I wasn't sure where to start reading. I didn't have a devotional to do, and I wasn't about to just play "Bible Roulette" and hope I landed on a good passage. I began to pray. I asked God to just help me get through this storm in my life and to give me guidance. As I was praying I felt like I should be reading about Jesus calming the storm. It seemed trite and over-done, but to Matthew I went anyway.

Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Without warning a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!" He replied "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and waves, and it was completely calm. Matthew 8:23-26

As I was reading the Holy Spirit pointed out a few things to me:
Jesus was asleep. It doesn't seem like it would matter, but it did. Maybe he was just super tired for all that Holy-Spirit-filled-miracle-workin' but the man was asleep when what is potentially the biggest storm ever sweeps over their boat. I think it's important to note that his disciples at this point were fishermen. Dudes were skilled on a boat, think the guys from 'Deadliest Catch,' so for them to be scared for their lives you know it had to be a pretty wicked storm. How Jesus could sleep through that we wont know until we get to ask him (and I'm going to be sure to ask Him!) but we know He was asleep and didn't wake up until His disciples woke Him. Why does that matter? Well, I think it's important to understand WHY he was asleep, not how. So, why? Because He wasn't worried. Jesus knew His purpose. He knew He was destined to die on the cross and thus wasn't going to drown in a lake, so no storm was going to worry Him. He had a righteous confidence in the work He had yet to do, and thus no wind or waves were going to bother Him. If you know God's purpose for your life, things don't seem so scary.

The next point that stood out to me was this: Jesus rebuked the storm. According to the dictionary "rebuke" means to scold sharply. I don't for one second believe that Jesus would scold anything that was of God, so I don't think that God sent the storm. A lot of times we blame God and wonder why He would do something to us, but I think the passage perfectly illustrates that God allows things, but it isn't Him who is causing them to happen. So then, why would God allow the disciples and Jesus to go through the storm? I think there are a lot of reasons, but in the passage after this the disciples ask "What kind of man is this? Even the winds and waves obey him!" Matthew 8:27 How would the disciples have been shown this explicit power that Jesus had if not for Him calming the storm? I can't think of any other story in the Bible where Jesus' power, even over nature, is so clearly shown. God knew what he was doing, even if the disciples didn't.

So, what did I learn? First, God didn't send my storm. Sure, he's letting me go through it, but there is a purpose for that, one that I probably wont see until the storm has calmed, but I'm learning to be okay with that. Second, If I want God's attention right now, I have to cry out. Just being afraid isn't going to be good enough to wake him up. And third, if He is asleep, that just means I don't need to worry. He's still in my boat, even if he is asleep in it.

Keep Your Eyes Wide Open

For the longest time I have always felt like my walk with the Lord came in peaks and valleys. Some seasons were greater than others, some felt like pure torture, and looking back on others I can see how I raced in to those lowly valleys head first. But, never have I been where I am now. A drought. A seemingly endless furlough from God. Don't get me wrong, I do not under any circumstances think God has left me (I know He hasn't) but it has been about 3 months since I have actually heard from God, which is a long time considering where I was 3 months ago.

3 Months ago I encountered the Lord in a radical way. A way I thought only crazy people did. I was at a conference called Voice of the Apostles, and to keep this post from being pages long I will just say it was one of (if not THE MOST) amazing experiences of my life. If you EVER get a chance to go, do it. So, I'm at VOA and I see radical transformations, healings, testimonies, the Spirit was infectious. I came home and set out to live each day with that same Spirit, that same willingness and desire to pray for every person who would let me. To talk with people and love on them. To give selflessly. I heard from God daily. He spoke to me in my prayer times, and His Word was given new life at His breath. And then, He went silent.

I can't remember now whether God gradually stopped speaking, or if one day He just was quiet, though I tend to lean towards the latter. Either way, I stopped hearing Him. I stopped feeling Him. And I think that's normal. I think it is normal to go through droughts with God, for Him to build us up to bring us through the desert, and yet I feel like so few Christians ever talk about it. Throught His word his people are built up to be broken down and rebuilt, and I think he continues to do it today.

I will say this, it has been hard to press in to Him when I feel like He isn't there (I saw feel because obviously I know He really is). It's hard to want to pray when I feel like all the crying out in the world and I get nothing in return. It's hard to want to open the Word and read when nothing speaks to me anymore. And yet, somehow, I have to persevere. I have to keep moving forward. I refuse to wander in the desert.

Tonight, as I was driving in the car a song came on my radio. Really, it was a CD that had been in my player and I had been singing along to for quite some time, but apparently never listened to the lyrics. "I know you don't see me. You don't hear me, but keep your eyes wide open. Keep your eyes wide open."

I know my drought is not over, but I know that He is there. Even when I don't feel Him or see Him, if I open my eyes really open my eyes, I know.